


Jingle Bell Rock

by insomniacchronosaurus



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of alcohol, Mentions of homophobia, chris grew up in the states and moved to korea to train as a teen but then moved back to nyc, jisung is mentioned, minlix are brothers, minlix grew up in korea and moved to the us later on, other members are mentioned, set in New York City, skz are still an idol group but without chan felix minho or jisung, some spanish because i’m dominican and i have a a skz latino agenda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:00:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21959281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insomniacchronosaurus/pseuds/insomniacchronosaurus
Summary: idk just christmassy somewhat angsty chanlix you know
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 5
Kudos: 51





	Jingle Bell Rock

**Author's Note:**

> this is a gift to @ptgskzluv on twitter! hope you enjoy <3

Chris wasn’t a grinch. He was just an exhausted millennial who had to interact with rude, unreasonable, annoying shoppers five days a week for six hours or more. Yeah he had to do that the rest of the year, but it got extra hairy around Christmas. So one could understand how Chris had come to dislike the holiday season. It also didn’t help that it would be his first Christmas alone. His parents had unexpectedly won a sweepstakes for a couple’s trip to the Bahamas and his sister was going to be in Switzerland with her girlfriend’s family. He’d made peace with it. But it definitely added to the cynicism that he had grown to have about Christmas over the years. 

“Excuse me mister! Can I have four scoops on my ice cream cone? Or is that against the rules?” asked an adorable child no older than five. There was a gap in her front teeth and a twinkle in her eyes that made Chris smile.

“Sorry sweetie, but we’re not allowed to give more than three.”

“That’s okay! I’ll eat it in a cup and put a lot of gummy bears.”

“What flavor would you like?”

“Cookie dough! It’s the best flavor.”

The brightness of Chris’s smile went up a couple watts. “I agree.”

The child giggled and Chris got her the ice cream. 

“That’ll be $5.75.” 

“Please wait here mister. I have to get my Mama so she can give you the money.” The child placed the cup onto the counter and rushed over to a table near the window where an exhausted looking woman sat, glasses perched on her nose. The kid tugged on their parent’s arm and said something. The parent turned to get their bag and dig around until finding some money and handing it to their daughter. The child shook their head and took her parent’s hand, dragging her along to the counter where Chris had been watching amusedly.

“Mister! This is my Mama. Her name is Rosalba. I’m Mara. What’s your name?”

“I’m Chris.”

“Chris! That’s cool. Chris is a cool name.”

Chris smiled. “Thank you. Mara is a cool name too.”

“No, you don’t say it like that. You say it like Mara,” Mara said, emphasizing the r.

“Mama came up with it herself because she really loves the sea, and mar means sea in spanish! My Mama and Papi are from Honduras, but I was born here. Then we went back and I lived with my cousins because my abuela was sick-I mean Grandma.” 

“Esta bien, yo puedo hablar español.” (It’s okay, I can speak Spanish.) 

Mara’s face lit up. “De verdad?” (Really?)

Mara’s mother turned to Chris at this, suddenly tuning into the conversation.

“Si, mi mejor amiga es de la República Dominicana, y ella me enseñó a hablar en español. Pero no estoy perfecto.” (Yes, my best friend is from the Dominican Republic and she showed me how to speak spanish. But I’m not perfect.) 

“Me suena bien a mi,” Mara’s mother-Rosalba-said. (It sounds good to me.)

Chris smiled appreciatively. “Gracias, señora. Tu hija es muy preciosa.” (Thank you, ma’am. Your daughter is very precious.) 

Rosalba smiled fondly and turned to her daughter, eyes full of love. “Si. Es un regalito de Dios.” (Yes. She’s a little gift from God.) 

“Mami! Mi helado está derritiendo!” (Mami! My ice cream is melting!) Mara pointed to the cup of cookie dough with gummy bears Chris had made for her, which had diminished significantly into liquid.

“No te preocupes. Puedo darte más.” (Don’t worry. I can give you more.) Chris reached for his scoop and Mara’s cup.

“No, está bien.” (No, it’s okay.) Chris noticed the way Rosalba’s grip on her ten dollar bill tightened and shook his head, turning to Mara.

“I don’t remember how to say this in Spanish, so just tell her it’s free. An early Christmas present.” Chris went to get the ice cream as Mara excitedly told her mother what Chris had said.

“Muchas gracias, señor,” (Thank you very much sir) Rosalba said.

“De nada. Mis padres también son inmigrantes. Yo se que es muy difícil.” (You’re welcome. My parents are also immigrants. I know that it’s really hard.)

Rosalba nodded tiredly while Mara tried to reach for her cup.

“Oh! Perdón. Aquí está tu helado.” (Oh, sorry! Here’s your ice cream.) Chris put a little pink spoon in the cup and pushed it to Mara. She took it and excitedly shoved some gummy bears in her mouth. Rosalba smiled and turned to Chris.

“Gracias. Que Dios te bendiga,” (Thank you and God bless you) she said as she and Mara started to walk away. 

“Feliz Navidad, Chris!” Mara shouted as she waved at Chris. (Merry Christmas, Chris!)

“Si, feliz Navidad, y que lo pases bien!” (Yes, merry Christmas and have a good day!) Chris waved back at Mara and sighed happily.

Okay. Working during the Christmas season wasn’t always awful. But he still like didn’t the holiday. Which is what he told his roommate and best friend Tiffany when he got back to her apartment, where he was currently staying.

“That’s just your horniness talking. Get laid and then see how you feel,” Tiffany responded. Chris spluttered, nearly dropping the plate he was drying.

“What makes you think I’m horny?”

“You’re not exactly quiet.”

Chris groaned, putting his head in his hands.

“But it’s really not that.”

“Did something tragic happen to you around Christmas while in Seoul?” 

“Contrary to what you think, I am not a basic ass Hallmark Christmas movie protagonist.”

“I know you’re not because those only have white people in them. But that’s irrelevant. My question.”

Chris sighed. “No, it’s not like that. I just-“ his hand stilled on the plate he was holding and he looked down at the sink.

“This move back home has been really hard. I came back for my family and now I can’t even be with them on Christmas. It makes me wonder if...they even really want me around.”

Tiffany turned off the sink and turned to Chris to wrap her arms around him, not letting her hands touch him as they were wet.

“It doesn’t matter if they won a stupid contest, your parents should be here to celebrate with you. Your sister should have at least invited you to Christmas with her girlfriend. Your family sucks. At least in my eyes as of right now. And I’m really sorry about that. You deserve non-sucky family.”

Chris smiled and pulled away to look at Tiffany, smiling gratefully.

“Maybe I’ve already found some.”

Tiffany tapped her cheek and Chris leaned down to kiss it, and then Tiffany reached up to kiss Chris’s. They then literally rubbed elbows, kicked each other’s ankles, did a fist bump and finger guns. Tiffany laughed once it was over, as she always did.

“Friendship!” Chris said happily. 

Tiffany nodded, still giggling. “Yeah. Friendship.”

They finished cleaning the kitchen and Tiffany went to FaceTime her long distance girlfriend Tahmida, who lived in LA. Chris flopped onto the couch and turned the TV on, flipping through the channels. They were all playing Christmas movies. Of course. He sighed and pressed the power button. Maybe he should check his bank account. See how close he was to being able to afford an apartment. As soon as he could, he would move out of Tiffany’s and get his own place. 

She insisted that it was no trouble for Chris to stay here, but he knew that wasn’t true. Tahmida would be living here already if it weren’t for Chris showing up four months ago at her doorstep. When Chris brought this up Tiffany had argued that Tahmida still didn’t have the money to move out yet, but Chris had heard Tiffany sadly explain over the phone why their plans had to be put on hold. And it made Chris feel like the biggest jerk in the world.

Money made Chris sad, so maybe it wasn’t a good idea to think about it. What else did he have to do? Go to bed? Chris had sort of run out of hobbies after quitting music. He did love to read, but he knew reading would make him want to write, which he was done doing. 

“There’s a coloring book on the coffee table,” Tiffany called from her room.

Chris shook his head, startled. “How did you-“

“You think too loudly.” Chris was glad they were in different rooms so Tiffany couldn’t tease Chris about how that made him blush in embarrassment. 

Chris reached forward to get the coloring book, but something in the corner of his eye stopped him before he could do so. Outside the window, white little flakes were coming down. 

“Tiff, it’s snowing!”

“I know! Tahmida is quite jealous.” Chris giggled, imagining her pouting. (He’d met Tahmida when she was visiting Tiffany this time last year and she was just adorable. Chris totally approved.)

Chris walked over to the window, opening it and resting his arms on the windowsill so he could poke his head out and look around. It must have been snowing for a bit now, as there was a thin dusting of white over everything. Chris smiled. He may not like Christmas, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t love winter. 

“Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock! Jingle bell tra and jingle bell la! Dancing and prancing around something square, something something frosty air.”

Chris turned his head to the direction of where the unexpected singing was coming from and saw a lilac haired guy outside his own window the next apartment down, watching the snow and nodding his head in different directions as he sang. Chris couldn’t help but smile at how cute he was. 

“Your voice is pretty,” he called out to the boy, who turned to Chris and covered his hands over his mouth.

“Oh my gosh. I’m, uh, sorry? I didn’t think anyone could hear me-“

“Chill, you’re fine. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Okay.” The boy glanced into his apartment and back to Chris. “Can you apologize though, cause I’m embarrassed now.”

Chris laughed. “Sure. I’m sorry for watching you.”

“Cool. Thanks.” The boy went back to watching the snow and Chris did as well. There was a moment of peaceful quiet before Chris thought of something.

“I challenge you to give the next three dogs that walk by snow related names.”

“That’s easy. Snow…. 눈, and...neige.”

“That’s...that’s just snow in three different languages, isn’t it?”

“I enjoy flexing that I’m multilingual, okay? Now you go.”

“Alright. Salji, nieve, and 雪.” Chris smiled cheekily and the boy playfully rolled his eyes.

“Trying to one up me, huh? Well I speak fluent English, Korean, and French. Hm.” The boy crossed his arms over his chest triumphantly.

“I speak English, Korean, Japanese, Spanish, Malay, and a little Tagalog.” 

The boy’s mouth hung open slightly. “...Okay then. I guess you’ve got me beat.” The boy’s eyes twinkled and he started humming something Chris hadn’t heard in years, but somehow was suddenly able to remember like he’d heard it yesterday.

“I think I got you beat, I think I got you beat. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I think I got you beat, I think I got you beat,” Chris and the boy sang at the same time. They laughed.

“Shrek the Musical is a modern classic,” the boy stated. Chris nodded.

“I was in a production of it in middle school. I wanted to be Gingy but because I wasn’t a girl they wouldn’t let me, as Gingy has to be the Sugar Plum Fairy too.”

“Cowards. Boys can be fairies. Assuming you’re a boy.”

“Yeah. I’m Chris, briefly known as Papa Bear.”

The boy smiled. “Felix. I never got to be in Shrek, but I was Jack in Into the Woods.”

“You got to play Jack? I’m so jealous. Giants in the Sky is one of my favorite songs of all time.”

“Ugh, same! I almost used it for an audition I had earlier.”

“What was the audition for?”

“An amateur production of The Last Five Years. I’m pretty sure it was never on Broadway-it’s a really intimate show. There’s basically only two characters, and it’s about-”

“A couple’s relationship told by the man and woman in opposing timelines. I know. I listen to the movie soundtrack daily.” Chris smirked at Felix, who seemed pleasantly surprised.

“What’s your favorite song from it?”

“Gosh, it changes all the time. I was obsessed with A Summer in Ohio for a while, but recently it’s See I’m Smiling. It’s just so brilliant.”

“I know! I’m partial to The Schmuel Song, but overall it’s a masterpiece. Jason Robert Brown outsold.”

“Truly. The rest of my favorite musicals are pretty mainstream though.”

“Let me guess-Dear Evan Hansen, Hamilton, Wicked and The Prom?”

Chris was silent for a moment. “You forgot Be More Chill.”

Felix cackled. “I can’t blame you. The musicals I like are as obscure as my Spotify library gets. The rest of it is stuff like Taylor Swift, Lizzo, Lorde, Beyoncé.”

“So we’re both basic bitches.”

Felix laughed again. “It appears so.” He looked back into his apartment and said something Chris couldn’t hear. He then turned back to Chris.

“I gotta go. My brother’s yelling at me to put my boxes in my room.”

“So y’all just moved in? I haven’t seen you around before.”

“Yeah, it’s officially been one week of sleeping on bubble wrap. Who needs a mattress when you can avoid student loans?”

Chris winced. “I can picture future you with back pain shaking his fist already.”

“He shouldn’t be so ungrateful. I’m protecting us both from a version of me overcome with college debt that’s trying to sell my old toothbrushes.”

“That sounds too specific for you to not have done that.”

“I shall neither confirm nor deny!” Felix said as he ran back into his apartment. Chris chuckled and took another look at the snowy landscape below him. He exhaled and went to get ready for bed.

“Ooh, what about this guy? He’s a choreographer and goes rock climbing in his spare time. And he fits your tall, dark and handsome type. Eh?”

Felix looked away from the martini he was making to glance at the Tinder profile Minho had described. He shook his head and went to get an olive. 

“You need to stop being so picky! At this rate you’ll still be without someone to meet under the mistletoe two Christmases from now.”

“I told you I’m not looking for a boyfriend right now. I’m enjoying being single, okay?”

“That’s a lie. You left your journal open next to you last night so when I came into your room to turn the light off I saw everything.”

“Minho! That’s a total invasion of my privacy!”

“We’re brothers. Privacy was nonexistent from the moment I first met you as a naked child still attached to Mom. Also we can say we’re even since you accidentally walked in on me losing my virginity.”

Felix shuddered. “Don’t remind me of that.”

“Anyway, I read that you feel like you’re finally ready to move on from Jisung. Which is amazing! So let’s get you out there.”

Felix sighed, pushing the completed martini to the customer who ordered it and accepting his tip.

“It’s not that easy, Minho. I’m not in love with Jisung anymore, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m ready to start dating again. Losing him was really, really, really painful. Opening myself up to feeling that way for someone again is hard. I want to be in love again, but I’m scared. Because caring for someone like that and then having them leave is the most excruciating thing I’ve ever had to experience.” 

Minho put his hand on the bar, palm up for Felix to hold. He obliged.

“I want you to be happy. More than anything. I may tease, but you know what’s best for you. You should decide when to get back out there, if you ever want to. It’s your grief and you’re allowed to feel it. I’m sorry if I’m pushing.”

Felix smiled gratefully. “You’re not. I understand and I really appreciate it. Thank you.”

Minho mirrored Felix’s facial expression of gratitude. People did always say that they had similar smiles. “Of course, Lix. What are brothers for?”

“Getting you free fruity alcoholic beverages.”

“You’re so right.”

“Run away, run away, run away with me,” Chris sang softly. He was in the basement doing his and Tiffany’s laundry. He always tried to do as many chores as possible when he had a rare day off. 

“At the world’s end, forever together!” Chris belted. It slapped so hard that he couldn’t help it.

“I guess we’re even.”

Chris turned around and saw Felix standing in the doorway with a basket on his hip, smirking in amusement. Chris felt his face warm up.

“I guess, but you weren’t as embarrassing as I just was.”

“Don’t be embarrassed; you have a nice voice.” Felix walked over to the machine next to Chris and pulled the door open to get his clothes out. 

“I didn’t mention this the other day, but my basic ass taste includes kpop as well. I’m assuming you like TXT?”

Chris nodded. “Yup. Wasn’t their comeback amazing?”

“It totally was. 100% worth the wait. And it makes me so happy that the title track is Harry Potter themed because those are some of my favorite books of all time.”

“What house are you in?”

“Hufflepuff. And you?”

“Slytherin.”

“So basically in an alternate universe where everything’s a cartoon, we’re a badger and a snake chatting right now.”

Chris laughed somewhat out of amusement and somewhat out of confusion. He shook his head. “You’re weird.”

“Thank you. By the way, are you a student at Columbia? I have a friend who goes there who knows a Chris who’s also Korean, and I was wondering if it was you. You’re Korean, right?” 

“Yes, but I’m afraid I am a different Korean Chris. Just a high school graduate. By day. Ice cream scooper and assistant manager at Target by night.”

Felix giggled. “You make it sound cool.”

“I pride myself on making things sound more appealing than they are.”

“You should work in advertising! Or some sort of game show where people try to make themselves attractive to potential lovers.”

Chris laughed and put his fist to his mouth like it was a microphone. 

“Next up is Felix, a quite strange and tiny but a really passionate and pretty guy!”

“If you focus on his freckles enough, you won’t be bothered by the fact that he always forgets to floss!” Felix said, joining Chris, who snorted.

“That sounds like an SNL sketch or something.”

“Maybe we’re the world’s next great comedic duo.”

“The world has other great comedic duos?”

“Duh! Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, those weird old dudes from the Muppets, Hasan Minhaj and powerpoint presentations.” 

Chris covered his mouth, trying to keep Felix from hearing the squeaks that came out when he laughed really hard. Once he calmed down, he complimented Felix’s reference.

“I love Patriot Act. He’s so good at talking about important issues without making me depressed. And he doesn’t make offensive jokes that are anyone else’s expense.”

“He just makes fun of the horrible white guys that are unfortunately in control of this country right now.”

“Exactly! That’s what I’m here for. We should just kill all men that aren’t Hasan Minhaj.” 

Chris started to laugh again but tried to fight it so Felix wouldn’t hear him snort. He failed. 

“Oh my gosh, you sound like a pig! I bet if you were an idol people would use the pig emoji to abbreviate your name.”

Chris tried to remain normal despite the flurry of memories that came with Felix saying “if you were an idol.”

“I hope not. Also I don’t understand why when it comes to people doing that they always have to use animal emojis. What if there isn’t an animal that goes with that person?”

“Exactly! Like my cousin recently debuted with his group, and it’s been so difficult for them to decide on his emoji. The fans wanted to use the pizza emoji because his chin is so sharp it makes his face looks triangular, but for some reason he’s trying to make ‘pig-rabbit’ happen. Whatever that means. It’s hella random.”

“So weirdness runs in the family.”

“I suppose so.” Felix grinned.

“You’re odd but I like you, Felix.” 

Felix’s eyes lit up as his smile went from smug to excited. “I like you too, Chris. I’m glad we bumped into each other. Again.”

Felix picked up his basket of laundry and made his way out of the room. He stopped when he was in the doorframe and turned around. 

“Oh, and...thanks. For saying I’m pretty. You’re...pretty too.” 

Once Felix left Chris put his hands to his cheeks, as if that would make them less warm.

“No offense dude, but you’re really shit at this.”

Felix sighed. “Offense was taken, but you’re right.”

“I can grab an instructor to give you some pointers-thanks to our holiday deal, it’ll only be an extra five bucks.”

“No, that’s okay. I’ve been doing archery since I was seven. Won medals and trophies. I’m just off today because there’s a lot on my mind.”

The rec center employee sat down on the floor criss cross and patted a spot next to her. “Come talk to me about it.”

Felix shrugged and decided, why not. He joined the woman on the floor and glanced at her chest to spot her name tag.

“Tiffany?”

“Yup. And you are?”

“Felix. Nice to meet you.”

“You too. Now why don’t you tell me what’s wrong, Lix?”

Felix felt a pang in his heart at the nickname. That was what Jisung used to call him.

“Sorry, should have I not called you that? It was probably unprofessional of me. Or just weird. If the roles were reversed I’d be confused if you just called me Tiff. I only let my best friend slash roommate call me that. Sorry, I’m babbling.”

“That’s okay. It’s just...my ex-boyfriend used to call me that. He...he died a couple years ago.”

“I’m really sorry.”

Felix brought his knees up to his chest and hugged them. “I miss him. I’ve recently realized I’m not in love with him anymore. Like I’ll always love him, but I’m no longer in love with him. But I still miss him. And I want to date again. But I don’t think I’ll be able to survive if I loved someone like that and lost them again. I’ve just been thinking about it because there’s this guy I met and I felt attracted to him. But I felt guilty for feeling attracted to someone else.” 

“I had a similar experience. In college I did study abroad in a country where homosexuality is illegal. I fell in love with a woman I met there. But then people found out and she was murdered.”

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry,” Felix said, suddenly feeling guilty. He couldn’t imagine how traumatic an experience like that was.

“Yeah. It was really hard. It was hard to go to her funeral, to come back to the States, to even think about dating again. But then on the three year anniversary of her death I ended up meeting my current girlfriend. I resisted falling for her for a while. I was scared I’d lose her. But I realized I’d rather love and lose her than live with the regret of never knowing what we could have been. And even if God forbid something happened to her, I still wouldn’t regret choosing to love her.” 

Felix smiled despite the fact that he was now crying. He turned to Tiffany.

“Thank you. I really needed that.”

“If you’re not comfortable with it, feel free to say no, but can I give you a hug?”

Felix nodded, his smile getting stronger. He wrapped his arms around Tiffany and she rubbed his back soothingly. When they pulled apart Felix saw Tiffany was tearing up.

“I didn’t expect to cry today,” she joked as she tried to blink away tears. “Ugh, the one time I don’t wear waterproof mascara. I’m going to be a mess when I get home and my roommate’s going to freak. He’s sort of overprotective sometimes.”

“Where do you two live?”

“Hell’s Kitchen.” 

“Same. I actually just moved in with my brother.”

“My shift is about to end. Want me to give you a ride?”

“Seriously? Thank you!”

“No problem. Just do me a favor and properly put away your gear,” Tiffany said, gesturing to the bow Felix was holding and the arrows strewn about on the floor.

“Will do.”

“Okay, I’m going to get out of my uniform. I’ll meet you back here in a bit.”

Tiffany left and Felix started to clean up. While he did so he couldn’t help but think about Chris. When they chatted in the laundry room Felix’s heartbeat had sped up every time they got close. Don’t even get him on the little starbursts that happened in his stomach when Chris said he was pretty. At first those feelings made him feel guilty and afraid. But Tiffany was right. Felix should allow himself to love, even if it hurt. Being careful may keep you from getting hurt, but it also keeps you from having fun. Nothing safe is worth the drive.

So maybe Felix should see where things went with Chris. Flirt it up a little. It could be fun.

“Okay, ready to go?”

Felix turned around and saw Tiffany in a long-sleeved, summery orange dress that complimented her dark skin beautifully. In that moment Felix briefly contemplated if he was bi. (Briefly.)

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

During the drive Felix and Tiffany talked about college, (Tiffany was studying at NYU, Felix had graduated from Seoul Institute of the Arts 18 months ago) their favorite foods, (Tiffany was half Haitian and half Dominican, so she said it was a tie between plátanos and watercress, while Felix said jokbal) bucket lists, (Tiffany wanted to attend New York Fashion Week and go cliff diving, Felix hoped to star in a musical on Broadway and see the Great Barrier Reef) and their friends.

“So I’m the first friend you’ve made in the States?”

“We’re friends?”

“Yes, we’re friends now.”

“Cool, uh then-sort of. You’re like, the second friend I’ve made in the States.”

“Do you miss your life in Korea?”

“So much. I miss teasing my cousin Changbin and squishing the baby of our group, Jeongin’s cheeks. I miss studying languages with Seungmin and giving Hyunjin surprise gifts. I miss seeing my Mom everyday and hearing stories from my Dad. I missed all my loved ones there a crazy amount. But I don’t regret moving here. It’s really awesome to live with my brother after not seeing him for so long. And it’s a huge relief to actually feel safe as a gay person, you know? I was out back in Seoul but it was terrifying. But here I don’t feel scared, and that’s really nice.”

“Is that why you decided to move? To be with your brother and feel safe being an out gay man?”

“Yeah. I also realized that I like American musicals better than Korean ones. When I lived here in middle school I got to be part of Into the Woods and it was so much fun. It made me research Broadway shows and I fell in love. I knew I’d be happier if I was pursuing my musical career here than in Korea.”

“I admire the fuck out of you, man. You went a thousand miles fresh out of college to chase your dreams. Like my roommate. He left home when he was thirteen to try and become a k-pop idol.”

“Seriously? Do you know where he trained?”

“JYP Entertainment.”

“Whoa-then my cousin and friends might know him! What a small world. How did you guys meet?”

“We’ve been friends since birth. Our dad’s are super amicable exes, so we grew up together as our parents were friends. Even when he was away we stayed in touch. He’s like a brother to me.”

“That’s awesome. It’s super lucky you ended up clicking. You could have just hated each other.”

Tiffany laughed. “It’s true, we could have.” There was a momentary silence as Felix ogled at the lights and signs of Broadway plays. Tiffany giggled at his reactions.

“You have tourist energy, but in an endearing way.”

“...thank you?”

Tiffany laughed again and shook her head. “Okay, now tell me your address.”

“44th and 7th Avenue, 234 West Street.”

“Are you serious? That’s my apartment building too!”

“No way-what’s your apartment number?”

“I5.”

“You’re kidding. I’m I6! Which means...Chris is your roommate?!” Felix said, half out of shock and half amazement.

“You know Chris?”

“Yeah, we’ve bumped into each other a couple times now. I can’t believe he used to train at JYP. Wait a second-do you know his Korean name?”

“Chan.”

“Bang Chan?!”

“Yeah! Is your cousin friends with him?”

“He put together the group that my cousin is in now! He was going to be their leader and everything. He and my cousin wrote songs together and everything.” 

“Whoa. That’s...crazy.”

Felix shook his head in disbelief. “Small world.”

“It’s like destiny or something. Some higher force is pushing us together.”

“If you believe in that stuff.”

Tiffany smiled. “I do.”

Soon enough they were at their apartment building. Felix procured his key to let them in and they then stood in front of the elevator.

“Do you have any plans tonight?” Tiffany asked as they waited.

“Not really. My brother’s working late so I’ll probably just order takeout and watch Elf again. Why do you ask?”

“My mom’s coming over for dinner to make us Dominican food. You should join!”

“I do love trying new cuisines...but I wouldn’t want to impose on your time with family.”

“You’re not imposing at all. I’m inviting you. Come on, it’ll be fun.”

“Alright, if you insist.”

“Yay!”

As they rode up to their floor Tiffany told Felix about her plan to surprise Chris when they got to the apartment. Felix drank up her words eagerly, thrilled at the opportunity to pull a prank. He struggled to hold in his snickers as they approached Tiffany and Chris’s door. Tiffany knocked and grinned at Felix, getting into position behind him.

“Who is it?”

“It’s me. I forgot my keys and my phone died. Let me in,” Tiffany called out from where she was crouched behind Felix’s back. Felix pressed his lips together to stop himself from smiling.

“Okay, I’ll be there in a second.” Felix and Tiffany heard movement behind the door and Chris opened it.

“Felix! I didn’t expect you. I just heard my roommate though, have you seen her?”

“What are you talking about? I’m Tiffany,” Tiffany called out as Felix mouthed along. Chris furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

“What?”

“What do you mean, what? It’s me.”

“Tiffany’s right behind you, isn’t she?”

Tiffany sighed disappointedly and stood up. “It’s no fun when you guess the prank.”

Chris grinned. “So I see you two have met.”

“He came to practice archery at the rec center and we chatted. We found out we both live in Times Square so I offered him a ride. Then it turned out we live right next to each other-what are the odds?”

“And that’s not even the half of it.”

“Tell Chris the rest inside, come on,” Tiffany said as she ushered Felix through the door.

“He’s staying for dinner, by the way,” she informed Chris while taking off her coat.

Chris smiled and closed the door. “Awesome. Now why don’t you enlighten me to the other half of low odds while I get you a drink?”

“I’d love to. Is alcohol on the table?”

Chris was now by the refrigerator. “Are you...twenty-one?”

Tiffany scoffed. “What are you, a bartender? It doesn’t matter. But you are, right?”

Felix laughed. “Yeah. And I’m actually a bartender,” he said as he sat down at the kitchen table.

“So what can I get you? We got rosè just for the occasion. Did Tiff mention that her mom’s joining us?”

“She did. But we should save that for Tiffany’s mom, right? Besides, I prefer red, if you have any.”

“You got it.” Chris pulled a wine bottle out of the fridge and a glass from the cabinet and served it to Felix.

“Merci,” Felix said as he smelled his wine.

“How do you say you’re welcome in French?”

“Je t’en prie. Unless the relation is formal, in which case it would be je vous en prie.”

“Then je t’en prie,” Chris said and when Felix looked up, he winked. Felix chose to believe his face got warm in that moment because of the alcohol.

“Did you tell Chris about your cousin and friends?” Tiffany called from the couch. Felix saw her answer a call and start speaking in Spanish, so he assumed she was talking to her mom and turned back to Chris.

“Oh yeah! So my cousin is Seo Changbin.”

Chris did a double take. “Seo-Seo Changbin? Like the leader of Stray Kids? I trained with him! Wait. Are you Yongbok?”

“Yeah!”

“Oh my gosh, he talked about you all the time! And he kept wanting to introduce us-”

“But life kept getting in the way,” Felix finished. “He talked about you a lot too, and how much he wanted us to meet, but the life of a trainee-especially one still in high school-is busy, and I...may or may not have been scared to meet Changbin’s friends at the company and didn’t get over it until you had left,” Felix said, speaking faster and quieter as he went on.

“Why were you scared to meet us?”

“When Changbin started training he said everyone seemed really intimidating and freakishly talented. Also unbelievably hot.”

Chris laughed. “So you thought if you met us you’d feel bad about yourself?”

“Not...exactly. I was-I was scared I’d end up having a crush on one of you.”

“Did you?”

Felix’s body sagged. “Yeah. And he liked me too. We dated for two years.”

“You dated a trainee? Changbin never told me that! Did he know?”

“Yup. He was the only person who knew.”

“Who did you date?”

Felix sighed. “Jisung.”

Understanding came into Chris’s eyes. “Oh Felix-I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

“I figured. It’s okay. I assume you were friends with him too?”

“Yeah, I was with all of what is now Stray Kids. And Jisung. I was in the States visiting Tiffany and my family when it happened.”

“Did you come to the funeral? I don’t remember seeing you.”

“I wanted to, but I didn’t have the money to travel to Malaysia.”

“I get it. And even if you’d chosen to not go, I wouldn’t have blamed you. I almost didn’t go. I felt so guilty when I met his parents. He had been in a relationship and they never knew. And you probably know that he was super close with his parents, so it would devastate them if they knew he had kept that kind of secret. But it’s not my thing to tell. Even if he’s gone, I still won’t out him. It doesn’t feel right. Oh shit-I just outed him to you.”

“Nah, he told me he liked guys not long after we met. He just never disclosed that he had a boyfriend.”

“Right.” There was quiet for a moment as Felix looked at his wine. “I really miss him,” he whispered. A hand slid down the table and into Felix’s line of sight. Palm up, just like what Minho did when he wanted to hold hands. Felix smiled gently and placed his hand in Chris’s.

“I really miss him too. His dumb jokes and weird little sounds.”

Felix’s smile started to grow. “The random songs and raps he’d make up for no reason.”

“How he’d store food in his cheeks until he looked like a chipmunk.”

Felix chuckled slightly. “The weird ways he’d sit and how he cuddled people.”

“The profound advice he’d provide when you texted him a paragraph about your problems at 3 am because you couldn’t sleep.”

“How he’d do aegyo and get frustrated when no one provided a reaction.”

“His weirdly cunning and sneaky ways of finding out what we wanted for our birthdays.”

Felix laughed softly. “His goofy ass laugh. His sparkly eyes. His heart-shaped Adam’s apple. I miss so much about him.”

“Same. This might be...a weird question, and feel free to not answer if you don’t want to, but...are you still in love with him?”

Felix sighed again. “No. I still love him-I’ll always love him, but I’m no longer IN love with him. It makes me feel kind of guilty to admit.”

“You can’t control your feelings. And it’s okay to move forward. He would want you to be happy.”

“Yeah, he...he really would.”

“And you know...you deserve to be happy. I’m positive Jisung would agree.”

Felix looked up to meet Chris’s eyes. “You really think so? That I’m not a horrible person that didn’t do enough to help him and is the reason he-you know-and should have been a better boyfriend so he stayed?”

There it was. The guilt Felix had bottled up inside of him since he learned that Jisung took his own life. The excuse he’d used to torture himself the past two years. He had wanted to talk to Changbin or Seungmin or Jeongin or Hyunjin about it, but hadn’t been able to bring himself to do so. But he’d just blurted it out to Chris in during what was only their third interaction. Felix had known Chris for less than a week while Changbin had been there his entire life and his friends were around for years. Felix couldn’t tell these people who he loved so deeply and knew so well for so long about this burden, yet he could tell Chris, who was practically a stranger. How? How did he feel so comfortable around him so fast? How did he trust Chris this quickly? It was probably some sort of intuition, because normally in a scenario like this Felix would immediately get anxious and try to backtrack, but he didn’t feel that now. He was okay with letting it be. Wild.

“None of us knew how bad it was, Felix. You can’t know a person’s pain unless they’re honest about it with you, and Jisung wasn’t fully honest with anyone about how bad his depression was. It’s a mental illness-a chemical imbalance. That’s what pushed him to do it. The illness told him his problems were permanent and he couldn’t ever be okay. The illness made him believe things were hopeless. So please don’t blame yourself. I’m sure you were a wonderful boyfriend that made Jisung really happy. You’re probably one of the reasons he held on as long as he did. I’ve wrestled with this dilemma a lot myself-I think all of us have. It makes sense for the loved ones of a person to blame themselves after the person commits suicide. But you, me, Changbin, Seungmin, Jeongin, and Hyunjin-we’re not the reason he did it. There’s nothing we did or didn’t do that caused it to happen. It’s not our fault. It’s not your fault. Okay?”

Now Felix was crying. And again, normally he would feel embarrassed in this situation, but for some reason Chris already made him feel comfortable. Scary.

“Thank you. I...really needed that.”

“I can tell. And like I said, I totally understand. I was in a similar place for a while and it wasn’t until Tiffany told me all of that that I could snap out of it. Have you ever told anyone you felt that way?”

Felix shook his head. “I couldn’t do it for some reason. I don’t know why it was so hard for me to say something about it.”

“Grief is complicated and messy and doesn’t always make sense. It’s okay. You’re okay.”

Felix let go of Chris’s hand to wipe at his eyes. “Forget the ice cream scooping and Target managing, you should become a therapist or something,” he joked weakly. Chris smiled.

“I honestly really wish I could. But I don’t have the money to go to school for it.”

“A life coach then. Whatever they do. Is that a real profession? Like do people legitimately...coach other’s lives? Like see. What-what even is that. How do you coach someone’s life? It’s probably bullshit. Like palm readings.”

Chris chuckled. “Perhaps a motivational speaker? I could just deliver a bunch of TED talks about loving yourself.”

“Alright Namjoon,” Felix teased. 

“As if that’s an insult. It would be an honor to have my words be considered on the same level as Namjoon’s.”

“You’re right. Gosh, BTS...I’m in a constant state of do I want to be them or do I want to fuck them?” Felix’s hand went to his mouth in shock at his impulsive vulgarity. Chris laughed. 

“I-I did not mean to say that...like that. I’m sorry-”

“No worries. We don’t mind swearing or sex talk in this household.”

“Absolutely not! So which are we currently discussing? Is it both? Because I love talking about sex. Which is why I’m going to become a sex therapist,” Tiffany said as she entered the kitchen.

“That’s a thing?” Felix asked, amazed. The doorbell rang.

“Yes it is a thing, and that’s my extremely Catholic mother at the door, so we speak none of this in her presence got it? Cool thanks I’m opening the door now,” Tiffany said all quite quickly as she rushed over to the door.

“Isabella!”

“Mami! Bendicion,” Tiffany said as she leaned in to hug the petite elderly woman at the door. Felix was a bit perplexed as to why Tiffany’s mother called her Isabella, but he decided that was a question for later. 

“Christopher! Mi amor, como estas?” Tiffany’s mom asked as she came into the apartment and made her away over to Chris, who stood up to hug her.

“Un poco cansado, pero bien. Te extrañe,” Chris said with ease. Felix had heard Spanish before in passing on the subway or in the New York City streets, but never a conversation in front of him. He marveled at how beautiful it sounded.

“Me extrañe también. ¡Ustedes deberían visitar más! Soy una viejita, ya no puedo viajar mucho.”

“Lo siento Señora Adrien. Estamos muy ocupados con nuestros trabajos, y Isabella con la universidad.”

“Si, yo se. Ustedes trabajan mucho. Estoy orgulloso de ti y Isabella. Pero no olvides tomar vacaciones y visitarme.”

“Si, Señora.”

Tiffany’s mom turned to Felix, who had been watching the conversation in awe. (Of course not understanding a single word, but practically drooling at how velvety the words sounded.)

“El es tu novio?”

Chris’s face went red and he shook his head. Felix didn’t know what Tiffany’s mom had asked, but he laughed at Chris’s reaction anyway.

“No, el es solo un amigo y nuestro vecino. Felix, this is Mrs. Adrien. Señora, esto es Felix.”

“Hola. ¿Hablas inglés?” Felix somehow got out, hoping he’d properly said what he was trying to, which was ask Tiffany’s mom if she spoke English. At Felix’s question she laughed heartily.

“Usually Americans will ignore me and ask whoever I’m with if I speak English, as if I’m not there. Or my possible inability to speak English makes it okay to be rude. And you know a little Spanish! ¿Estás seguro que no quieres que el sea tu novio? Es guapo y parece dulce-” Chris cut off whatever Mrs. Adrien had been saying to him and went to change the subject.

“Why don’t we sit down? Tiffany and I have a lot to catch you up on, and you should get to know Felix-”

“No, I have to get to cooking.”

“No, you shouldn’t cook, you’re the guest-”

“As if I’d trust you to cook. Especially Dominican food. Don’t think I’ve forgotten the monstrous platanos you attempted for Tiffany’s twelfth birthday party,” Mrs. Adrien said as she made her way into the kitchen, where Tiffany was already washing her hands.

Felix giggled. “What made them monstrous?”

Chris whined before Tiffany or Mrs. Adrien could reply. “Can we not talk about my most embarrassing moments to my new friend please?”

“But it’s just oh so fun!” Tiffany said with a smirk.

“I wish those platanos had been poisonous.”

Tiffany cackled as she went to get her mother’s bag for the ingredients. Chris and Felix sat themselves back down at the kitchen table. 

“What are we having?”

“Mangú and arroz con habichuela. Classic Dominican dish,” Mrs. Adrien told Felix. 

“I’m excited to try it! I really haven’t had much food that wasn’t Asian or American.”

“You’ve been missing out, my friend. There’s a whole world of amazing Hispanic foods to try. Ooh Mami, next time we visit you we’ll bring Felix and make pastelitos!” Tiffany excitedly said to her mother.

“Always making the old lady do the work. Can you believe her?” Mrs. Adrien joked.

“Oh and by the way Mami, Felix isn’t American. He was born and raised in South Korea.”

Chris turned to Felix. “Wait, really? You were born there?”

“Yeah. My family briefly lived in the States for my dad’s job while I was in elementary school, but other than that I’ve spent my whole life in Seoul.”

“How is your English so good? My parents have been living here for decades and they still don’t sound as fluent as you.”

“I had to learn English when I moved here as a kid of course, but Seungmin and I also studied it together back when I lived in Korea. I also consumed a lot of American media growing up. But thank you! It’s flattering that you thought I was a native speaker. And I’m probably better at English than your parents because it’s easier to learn a language when you’re young because your brain is still developing and stuff. Also your parents lived in Korea a lot longer than I did. I assume.”

“Your assumption is right. They immigrated to the States when my mom found out she was pregnant with my sister. Her and my dad were really poor at the time and wanted to start fresh somewhere, hoping they could become successful. And they did.”

“Wait, are your rents famous or something? Like huge business people?”

“They’ve retired now, but no, they were never famous. And we were never rich. My parents definition of success was being able to raise a happy, financially stable family. And that’s what they did.”

“That’s what every immigrant parent wants. For their children to be happy and safe. And a lot of times, it’s impossible to do that if they stay in their home country. My family was very poor as well. When my father died, I had no choice but to travel to the States to make money for my mother and sisters,” Mrs. Adrien said.

“How did you meet Tiffany’s dad?”

“My family and I lived right near the bus to travel from Santo Domingo to Port au Prince. One day, when I was sixteen and he was seventeen, a boy named Emmanuel came by to sell us fruit and my mother wasn’t home. So we ended up talking-for hours. He told me he lived across the border and only came here for work, and he usually worked during the time I was at school. So I decided to visit him by bus after school as often as I could, always buying fruit from him so I had an excuse to keep traveling like that. After a month of this arrangement, he asked me out on a date. He took me to Jacmel & Bassin Blue, a beautiful spot with a pond and waterfall. There he said to me this phrase in Creole-Dye mon, gen mon. It means beyond the mountains, more mountains. He said this to me because every moment we spent together he thought I couldn’t be any more amazing, but I always was. There were always more mountains to who I was for him to fall in love with.”

Felix clutched his chest, squealing. “That is so romantic!”

Mrs. Adrien smiled. “It was. Right after he said that, we kissed for the first time and I told him I loved him. But then my father died and I had to go to the States to find a job to make money for my family.”

Felix gasped. “Oh no! What about Emmanuel?”

Tiffany and Chris both chuckled at how invested Felix was in the story.

“He’s cute,” Tiffany mouthed to Chris.

“He is,” Chris mouthed back, to which Tiffany raised her eyebrows.

“Later,” he mouthed and they tuned back into Mrs. Adrien’s story, despite having already heard it themselves.

“I saw him one last time before leaving for the States. He promised me we would find our way back to each other, but I didn’t really believe him. The journey to the States was extremely dangerous, and there were many moments when I thought I would die. But I eventually made it to Puerto Rico and stayed there for a bit. We wrote to each other and he kept reassuring me that he would join me in the States as soon as he could. It took a while, but I finally made it. I was homeless for a good while, but after a few months I got a job. Unfortunately one day my employers announced they were checking if everyone had papers and my coworker tipped me off so I wouldn’t come back to work. I worked multiple other jobs but always made sure to write to Emmanuel. The dust finally started to settle when I got my first job at a restaurant. I loved it there. It turned out food service was my calling. I made wonderful friends who taught me English, and learned a lot about the world. Before coming to the States I had horrible ideas about gay people, but then I met some and saw they were just like me. I came to love it here. And of course when you love something, you want to share it with your partner. I urged Emmanuel to hurry, but then he got into an accident.”

Felix gasped. “No! Please don’t tell me he died.”

“Don’t worry, he didn’t. Just broke his leg,” Tiffany assured Felix.

“Emmanuel wrote to me with a heavy heart explaining that the doctors believed it would be quite a while before he could recover, and he already had been struggling with the idea of leaving his family behind. So he told me he was very sorry and it hurt him to say it, but he couldn’t join me in the States.”

“No! You two have to be together! It’s true love!” Felix said, lightly banging his tiny fists on the table. Chris smiled at how adorable the action was.

“Patience, mi cielo. I was heartbroken but kept going. I had to. Years passed and I dated. Eventually I ended up with a man who wanted to marry me. I didn’t see a reason why not, so I said yes.”

Felix gasped-again. “No. No. Please do not tell me that guy was Tiffany’s dad.”

“No it wasn’t dumbass, shut up and listen,” Tiffany interjected. Felix curled himself up into a little ball in his chair, ready to just absorb the story instead of continually interrupting it. 

“Isabella’s right. That man was not her father. Because just when wedding preparations had begun, Emmanuel came back into my life.”

Felix opened his mouth excitedly, but remembered what Tiffany said and covered it, going back into his small, cozy, listening position. (Chris’s heart squeezed. How was he so cute?) With a smile, Mrs. Adrien continued.

“He showed up on my doorstep, ready to plead his case and beg for me to take him back. But when I saw him again, I went right back to being sixteen. I immediately broke off the engagement and got back together with Emmanuel. We got married and got our papers to be permanent residents two years later. Then I got pregnant and we argued for months on what to name her. Emmanuel wanted her to have an American name while I wanted to name her after my mother. So we compromised. Her full name is Tiffany Isabella Roseline Adrien and we let her decide which name she wanted to go by. And as you know, she picked Tiffany. Colorin colorado, este cuente se acabado,” Mrs. Adrien said with finality. Felix clapped and Tiffany laughed.

“Speaking of things that are acabado, the food is ready. Chris, set the table.”

While they ate Chris and Tiffany told Mrs. Adrien about what had happened since the last time they’d seen each other, (Tiffany got obsessed with a web series called Carmilla and binged it all one weekend where she refused to leave her room until she was done, Chris had tried getting into a couple sports but was unsuccessful) Felix and Chris told funny stories about their friends in Seoul, and Mrs. Adrien recounted cute moments from Tiffany’s childhood and the early moments of her friendship with Chris. They then played Taboo (teams were Tiffany and Mrs. Adrien and Chris and Felix) and they all cheated, Tiffany and Mrs. Adrien saying forbidden words in Creole and Chris and Felix saying forbidden words in Korean. It ended in a tie and everyone had sore stomachs from laughing too hard.

“Ah, this has been a very fun night. I’m so glad I came and that you joined us, Felix,” Mrs. Adrien said as she was leaving.

“Thank you. I’m glad I came too. And thank you for sharing your story with me, I loved it,” Felix replied. Mrs. Adrien smiled.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it mi cielo. Hopefully I’ll be seeing you again.”

“If these two don’t get sick of me,” Felix quipped. Tiffany threw an arm around Felix’s shoulders.

“Are you kidding? We had an instant connection. That shit’s rare. I’m not giving you up,” she said with a smile. Felix’s face hurt from how hard he was grinning. 

“I’m glad.”

“Okay, I better get on the road. It was great meeting you, Felix.”

“You too. Get home safe.”

“Of course.” Mrs. Adrien gave Tiffany and Chris goodbye hugs and left. Once she had closed the door Tiffany turned to Chris.

“Ready? Rock, paper, scissors, say shoot!”

Tiffany put out rock and Chris presented paper. He whooped triumphantly while Tiffany groaned.

“Was that just spontaneous, or was it to decide something?” Felix asked.

“It was to decide who would clean the kitchen, and Chris won,” Tiffany grumbled. Chris clapped his hands together excitedly. 

“Come on Felix, we can watch Hairspray on my computer.” Felix smiled and followed Chris to his room, which was somehow simultaneously very bare and extremely messy. Pictures of Chris with Tiffany and her family, people Felix assumed were his family, Changbin, Seungmin, Jeongin, Hyunjin, and of course Jisung were messily taped to the wall above Chris’s bed. 

“Is Tiffany your only friend in the States?”

“Yeah. The only one I stayed in touch with after going to Seoul, anyway. I didn’t really make any other solid friendships in elementary or middle school. But then I found those five in Seoul, so it worked out.”

Felix nodded, browsing Chris’s bookshelves. There were adult rom coms, YA dystopia and science fiction, middle grade fantasy, self help, philosophy, and a barrel’s worth of journals.

“Do you write lyrics in these? I know you worked with Changbin and Jisung a lot making songs. They both showed me some.”

“What have you heard?”

“Hoodie Season, Runner’s High, Matroshykaa, Start Line, Small Things, and...Wow.”

Chris buried his face in his hands. “In our defense, we were all sheltered teenagers trying to tell ourselves we were straight.”

Felix laughed. “It’s okay. Sonically it slaps.”

Chris winced and shook his head. “Debatable, but thanks.”

“You never answered my question. Is this where your lyrics are hidden?”

“Some of them have lyrics, yeah. I used to keep diaries, so a couple of them are for that. There are some from when I was studying Korean and learning how to read and write in it. And some are blank. But Changbin and Jisung always wrote the bulk of lyrics. I was in charge of producing.”

Felix hummed, nodding. He smiled and gestured to the Day6 poster in the closet. “You continue to have good taste.”

Chris smiled. “Thanks, but I wouldn’t exactly call myself a fan, as I’m friends with them. I trained with some of the members before Changbin and the others came along. YoungK jokingly gave me the poster with his autograph when I was moving back home.”

“Seungmin told me about how he met the Day6 members because of you, and Hyunjin was blowing up my phone when he met Jinyoung, once again thanks to you. That’s so wild. To just-have a friend that knows idols.”

“Who’s your favorite idol? I might know them.”

“Twice.”

“Oh yeah, we’re friends! They should be coming to America for tour next year. I could probably get you VIP tickets if you want.”

“Are-are you serious?” Felix looked completely shocked, but also like he was reading to pounce into excited celebratory actions. Chris smiled.

“Yeah, I trained with them too. We still talk pretty often. Once tour dates are announced I’ll ask the group chat for a favor.”

“Th-thank you! That’s, oh my god, that’s amazing! I’m-I’m going to see Twice! Fuck, I’m going to meet Twice! Oh my god!” Felix was now bouncing up and down. He threw himself at Chris for a grateful embrace, which was reciprocated. Felix tried to not think about how Chris smelled (like pine and Snuggle fabric softener. He was clearly unsuccessful.)

“Really, thank you. Twice are my favorite artists ever. They helped me get through a lot of dark times-like when Jisung passed and I had to figure out what to do with my life after graduating. It’s been my dream to let them know in person how much they all mean to me. And you just...made my dream come true.” Felix pulled away to look at Chris. “Thank you.”

Chris smiled. “No problem. I love helping people achieve their dreams.”

“Which is why you should be a motivational speaker.”

Chris laughed. “I really should. Lord knows what else I’m going to do.”

“You’re not going to make music? Even in a behind the scenes way? Because if you don’t want to be famous you could just be a producer.”

“I could, but I decided to quit making music. I love it, but I just-I just can’t. It’s been really hard to do write ever since...and I just haven’t enjoyed it in a while. So I’m going to try and figure out a different calling. But what about you?”

“Like what career am I pursuing?”

“Yeah. I figure something theater related, considering you had an audition for something just a few days ago.”

“I did, because I am trying to become an actor/singer for the stage. It’s my dream to star in a show on Broadway.”

“Wow, ambitious. Quite Slytherin of you.”

“Each house can have qualities of another house at certain moments. Gryffindor and Slytherin are so similar that I’m sure Gryffindors carry Slytherin traits sometimes and vice versa. And every variation of that. Like I can be an ambitious Hufflepuff, and you can be a kind Slytherin.”

“Contrary to a popular belief carried by many YA authors, people can have more than one personality trait. And those traits can even...contradict each other?! Gasp!”

Felix laughed. “Human beings are complex. Wild.”

“It is, isn’t it?”

The giggling died down and there was a silence. The feeling in the air shifted and when Felix looked back up, he saw Chris was staring at him. Suddenly Felix was very aware of how close they were. He inhaled deeply.

“Freckles,” Chris whispered.

“Wh-what?”

“You have freckles. I didn’t notice them until now.”

“Oh, yeah. I’ve been told it’s my charm. I’ve sort of always hated them though.” Felix looked down at his lap.

“You shouldn’t. They’re beautiful,” Chris said softly. Felix’s heart tripped.

“Really?” He asked breathily.

Chris nodded. “I love them. They’re beautiful. You’re...you’re beautiful,” he said, getting even quieter as he spoke, but Felix was close enough to him that he could hear. His stomach felt like it was being used as a bouncy castle. 

“Thank you.” 

Chris smiled a bit. “No need to thank me for speaking the truth.”

At that moment Felix stood up abruptly, killing the mood. He knew if he had stayed the way he was his eyes would have gone to Chris’s lips, which Chris would have seen, and he might have leaned in and-no. Just no.

“Uh-it’s late. I have work early tomorrow. I should go and get ready for bed,” Felix lied. He worked the night shift at a bar. Felix wasn’t sure if Chris forgot Felix mentioning earlier that he was a bartender or he chose to go along with Felix’s lie, but either way he was back in his own apartment within the next 46 seconds. Which he appreciated, because he could now scream into his pillow. 

“Can I help you?”

Tahmida looked up from her phone to see a short man with purple hair and kind eyes-like one of those old cats that can stare into your soul-close the door to his apartment behind him. He must have been Tiffany’s next door neighbor.

“No, I’m okay. I’m just here to surprise my girlfriend. We’re long distance and already had plans to spend Christmas with my family in London. But I missed her so much that I decided to fly out earlier and spend an extra two weeks with her in New York. But it seems she isn’t home yet.”

The man placed his hands over his heart. “Ugh, that’s so romantic.”

“Yeah, but now that I’m here and have realized I screwed up it just feels dumb.”

“It’s not dumb. You were excited and overwhelmed with longing and passion for your lover so this possibility slipped your mind. I don’t blame you. If I had a boyfriend I’d probably do something like this for him and then feel like a total idiot when something goes wrong. So you’re valid.”

Tahmida smiled. “Thanks. You’re right. I just got a little overager. But now I’m not sure what to do while I wait for her to come back.”

“I was planning on going Christmas shopping. You could join me if you’re in need of company.”

“Eh, why not. I’m Tahmida.”

“Minho. Our first stop is Sephora. Are you ready?”

“Totally! Wait, actually, can I leave my suitcase in your apartment. I don’t really feel like lugging it around the city.”

“Of course.” Minho unlocked the door and Tahmida pushed her suitcase in, opening the front pocket to grab her wallet and phone charger.

“Okay. Now I’m totally ready.”

Tahmida and Minho unexpectedly spent hours together, just going around the city, getting presents, sightseeing, and talking. It was surprisingly easy how quickly they vibed with each other. Tahmida was happy to know Tiffany had Minho as a neighbor, as he seemed really cool. He was funny and super nice. They exchanged stories and got to know each other with ease. To Tahmida, it felt like one of those times you met someone and things just clicked right away. Those times were rare, so she decided to store this memory for a rainy day the next time she started to lose faith in humanity. It was sunset by the time Minho and Tahmida returned back to the apartment building and found Tiffany unlocking the door to her apartment. Tahmida turned to Minho and grinned, nodding. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Tiffany’s middle.

“Hey baby,” Tahmida said, which made Tiffany gasp and twirl around in her arms. Upon seeing her girlfriend Tiffany immediately leaned in for a kiss, which Tahmida returned, smiling. Tiffany pulled back to look at Tahmida, smiling hugely.

“What are you doing here? We were supposed to meet in London two weeks from now!”

“I missed you. Surprise.” Tiffany squealed and hugged Tahmida again. 

“Oh, um...hi?” Tahmida turned around and saw Minho was still standing there, and it seemed Tiffany didn’t know who he was.

“Oh! Tiffany, this is Minho. He’s your neighbor. He found me waiting outside your door earlier because the possibility of you not being home when I arrived hadn’t occurred to me. He kept me company today.”

Minho reached his hand forward for a handshake, which Tiffany accepted.

“Wait, are you Felix’s brother?”

“Yup, we live together right here. He didn’t tell me about meeting any neighbors yet.”

Tiffany smirked. “I think I know why. He met my roommate Chris first, and he’s totally into him.”

“Oh, really? I’ll have to ask him about that. I appreciate the intel,” Minho said, saluting Tiffany playfully. She mirrored him and laughed.

“Tahmida and I have a lot of catching up to do, but we should all hang out sometime.”

“Absolutely. I don’t know about you guys, but Felix and I are sort of Monopoly aficionados. What do you say about a game night?”

“I love it. I’ll have to ask Chris about his next day off, but definitely before the holidays, okay?”

“Definitely. Hope you two have a lovely night!”

“You too. Thanks again for hanging with me today,” Tahmida said.

“It was my pleasure.” Tahmida and Tiffany waved Minho goodbye and entered Tiffany’s apartment, eager to spend time together after almost five months apart.

“Don’t get comfortable,” Minho said as soon as Felix entered their apartment. Felix hovered awkwardly in the doorway, wondering if that meant to not come in at all as they were immediately going back out.

“Why do you say that?”

“Come sit with me dear, and I’ll explain everything.” Minho put his phone and mug onto the coffee table. Felix narrowed his eyes suspiciously but closed the door behind him and sat next to Minho on the couch.

“So the other day I met our next door neighbor’s girlfriend.”

Felix drooped. “Chris has a girlfriend?” he said, annoyed at how sad he sounded. He barely knew this guy and was already disappointed at finding out he was taken.

“No, Tiffany does. Her name’s Tahmida. They’re long distance and originally planned to meet up in London to spend Christmas with Tahmida’s family. But Tahmida missed her and decided to surprise her by coming to New York early. But when she arrived Tiffany was out. I found her outside of her girlfriend’s apartment and once she told me the story I offered to spend the day with her. We did and it was lovely. Then when we came back Tiffany was there and I met her. And she said her and Chris had already met you. Now why, dear brother, did you neglect to mention that to me?”

Felix’s cheeks went pink. “I mean, why-why do you care? It’s not a big deal. You don’t have to know what I do all the time and every person I meet.”

“So it’s not because Tiffany’s roommate Chris is a total cutie?”

Felix’s face got even redder and he knew he had lost this battle. He was already terrible at lying to people who he was close to, but now there was no way he could dig himself out of the hole he had ended up in. He put his face in his lap and groaned while Minho giggled.

“Fine, I’m attracted to Chris. Are you happy now?”

“Very, but that doesn’t mean I’m done. Because I’m nosy, I just had to see this Chris for myself. So I bribed the security guard into telling me what time he usually comes back. I waited around at the cafe across the street until I knew I could enter at the same time as Chris. We were in the elevator together when I asked him if he knew you. And by the way, when I said your name he smiled in a super fond way.”

Felix lifted his head to look at Minho. “Seriously?”

Minho nodded smugly. “Anyway, I explained I was your roommate and brother and said we should all go ice skating. Tonight. But I’m afraid I’m just really not feeling well,” Minho said deviously, adding a fake cough at the end. Realization dawned on Felix’s face.

“Oh god hyung, you didn’t,” he said as soon as the doorbell rang. Felix turned around, panicked. He heard Minho stand up behind him.

“And that’s my cue. Have fun and be safe. Don’t forget to use protection!”

“No hyung, get back here! Minho hyung!” Felix was about to chase after his brother when the doorbell rang again. Felix grit his teeth and turned around. He exhaled.

“You can do this Felix, you can do this. You got this, you got this, you got this,” Felix whispered to himself as he walked to the door and opened it.

“Chris! Great to see you!”

“Hey Felix. It’s great to be seen. Where’s Minho?”

“I’m afraid he won’t be joining us tonight. I think he’s come down with something-probably the flu,” Felix lied, feeling glad in that moment that he was an actor.

“Aw, that sucks. I’ll ask Mrs. Adrien for her sancocho recipe so we can get some for him.”

“What’s sancocho?”

“A Dominican soup. She would always give it to me or Tiffany when we were sick. Anyway, are we still going?”

“If you still want to.”

“I do. Do you?”

“Yeah, just give me one second. I want to check up on Minho before we leave, last time I saw him he was sleeping.” Felix half stomped over to Minho’s room, pushed the door open, and gave Minho the finger. Minho laughed.

“You’ll thank me for this later.”

“Whatever,” Felix said as he rolled his eyes. He walked back out to the living room, where Chris waited patiently.

“Alright. Let’s go.”

“So, have you been skating many times before?” Chris asked as they walked to the elevator.

“Not really, but I can probably manage fine. It’s all about balance, right? I’m a dancer, so that should be good enough.”

“Dancer, actor, singer-what can’t you do?”

“Says you. I heard stories about you being a legend at JYP. A triple threat-vocal, dance, rap, you do it all.”

“By heard stories do you mean you remember that one lyric in Runner’s High?”

Chris giggled and Felix put up his hands in surrender. “Fine, you caught me. But seriously-you seemed to be the golden trainee or something. Why did you leave?”

Chris gave Felix a look. “You know why.”

“Jisung would want you to be happy too.”

“I am happy.”

“Then why did you quit music?”

“Why did you leave so suddenly the other night?”

Felix was caught off guard. “Wh-what?”

“We were having a moment. And you ran out of there. But you didn’t want to. I could tell you wanted to stay. So why didn’t you? Why didn’t you do what you wanted? That’s what Jisung would have wanted.”

“Stop it,” Felix said quietly. 

“Don’t tell me to do what makes me happy when you’re still holding yourself back just as much as I am. You’re a hypocrite. And a coward. And I am too. Neither one of us will do what we really want because we can’t help but think that he should be here but isn’t because-“

“Because we weren’t good enough!” Felix screamed. Chris shrank back.

“We weren’t good enough. We didn’t make him happy enough. We weren’t enough of a reason for him to stay.”

Chris softened. “We talked about this, come on Lix-“

“Don’t you dare call me that. Don’t you dare tell me I’m a coward. Do you know how hard it is to try to date again after the last person you were with killed themselves? It was already tough enough to get myself to believe that I deserved to be happy after he died, let alone that I deserve to experience love again. I know he would want me to be happy. I know he would want me to-“ Felix’s voice broke as his eyes started to water.

“I know he would want me to flirt and date again and fall in love with someone and experience happily ever after. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t still feel bad for getting to live the life he deserved. He deserved to flirt and date and fall in love. He deserved to have a happily ever after. He deserved to-to be happy,” Felix said, pausing to sob.

“Felix…” Chris said softly.

“It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that he was in so much pain. It wasn’t fair that he felt like there was no other option. It wasn’t fair that he died young. It wasn’t fair that-“

“That he left you,” Chris said gently.

“...What?”

“He left you, Felix. He left all of us. He chose to leave us behind. He forced us to live without him. He knew how loved he was. He knew how much he meant to us. How much we would miss him. But he left anyway.”

Felix shook his head. “No. Stop that. Don’t try and make him seem like a bad guy. Don’t act like he was selfish for giving up. You don’t understand how much pain he was in.”

“I know he was in a lot of pain. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t leave us. And that wasn’t fair of him.”

“Why...why are you saying this?”

“Because you think you’re angry at me, but I think you’re actually angry at him. And you’re angry at yourself for feeling that way.”

Felix stood in stunned silence as the elevator doors opened. He shook his head.

“No. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You barely know me. Don’t psychoanalyze me. You didn’t even know Jisung had been in a relationship until two days ago. Don’t try to act like you really understand anything about this. Because you don’t.”

Felix stomped out of the elevator and turned to the stairway to go back to his apartment, angry and hurt and confused and just wanting to sob into his brother’s arms for hours. Which was what he did.

“Channie! Merry Christmas, hyung. How are you?”

“I messed up, Binnie. I messed up really bad.”

“With who?”

Chris sighed. “With Felix.”

“You mean Yongbokkie?”

Chris spent the next hour explaining the past week to Changbin over the phone, how quickly him and Felix had engaged in playful banter, how they had so many shared interests, and how cute Felix was. Chris talked about how they had bonded over their grief and how easy it was for them to be comfortable around each other. But then he recounted the fight they just had in the elevator and how Chris was scared he had really hurt Felix. What had he been thinking, saying all that stuff? Who was he to psychoanalyze Felix like that? Felix had been right. Chris didn’t know what he was talking about. 

“Well I’m not so sure about that,” Changbin interrupted.

“What do you mean? Are you saying I was right?”

“I think you were mostly wrong and Yongbok was mostly right, but you both had your moments. He was wrong to say you don’t understand anything about this, because you were close with Jisung too. But I don’t really blame him for saying that. He was caught up in the intensity of the moment. But anyway, I think you were right in that Yongbok is harboring some anger towards Jisung. I think we were all angry at him at some point after he died. But I don’t think it was the right moment for you to say that, even if he needed to hear it. So you shouldn’t feel bad for saying it. Maybe feel bad for saying it when you did, but not just for saying it.”

Chris pressed his lips together. “Yeah, you’re reaching. It’s okay to admit I was wrong, Bin. I’m not perfect. I mess up sometimes too.”

“It’s not like that. I genuinely believe that you weren’t completely in the wrong and that he wasn’t completely right. I also think you’re probably beating yourself up about it more than you should be.”

“I didn’t call you so you could make me feel better.”

“Then why did you call me? To get a lecture?”

“No, I-“ Chris sighed. “I called you because I don’t know what to do. I want to apologize, but I feel like just sorry isn’t good enough. What do I say?”

“I don’t think I can help you with that, hyung. You messed up, so it’s your apology to make. You have to figure out how to let him know how you feel. I think this is something only you can do.”

Chris sucked his teeth. “I hate you.”

Changbin chuckled. “Love you too. I’ll talk to you later, okay? I’ve got practice.”

“Okay. Remember to stay hydrated.”

“Of course. Good luck!”

Chris hung up and tossed his phone to the side, falling back onto his bed. He felt like an idiot and a jerk. But more than anything, he felt guilty knowing how much he probably hurt Felix. What had he been thinking? Well that was the thing. He hadn’t been thinking. He was emotional and caught up in the moment and didn’t stop to consider the consequences of his words before speaking them. Stupid.  
Chris sat up suddenly. Stupid. He was just stupid.  
Maybe that was it. 

“Can you get that? I’m about to get in the bath,” Minho called from down the hall. Felix paused his Kdrama and stood up to answer the door. It was mostly likely the pizza they had ordered for dinner. 

“Hey,” Chris said when Felix opened the door. He was holding a guitar and looked like he had been awake for days. Felix gaped at him, slightly shocked. 

“What are you doing here? It’s almost midnight.” 

“Can I come in?”

Felix chewed on his lip but nodded. Chris entered and Felix closed the door behind him. 

“I want to apologize for everything I said in the elevator. But I realized I know a better way of expressing my feelings than just talking.”

Felix furrowed his eyebrows. “I thought you said you quit music.”

“I did. But then I realized I was just being stupid.”

Chris sat down on the couch and started to play.

“Stupid  
Sometimes that’s all I am, stupid  
That’s why I left the band, stupid  
Is all I’ve really been the past couple years

Stupid  
It’s why I yelled at you, stupid  
It’s why I missed my cue  
To keep pushing on 

I could have been part of something amazing if I stayed  
If I could go back, there would be so many things I would change

If I could just stop being stupid  
Then I’m sure I would really please Cupid  
Because I knew she had a plan for us as soon as I looked into your eyes  
I’ve always known there’s been something here, thanks to the night skies.”

The song entered a brief instrumental section where Chris stood up and walked around Felix, who was trying to act like his heart wasn’t threatening to burst out of his chest. 

“Stupid  
It’s my fatal flaw, stupid  
Like a siren or wake up call, stupid  
People usually leave because they’re tired of that part of me

Stupid  
It’s why I doubt myself, stupid  
It’s why I don’t try to reach the tallest shelf, stupid  
It’s why I thought I could tell you what your emotions are 

But I have no right to paint over your heart  
Who am I to hear your story and try to tear it apart? 

If I was just a little less stupid  
If I could just stop being so loopid  
Maybe I would have the honor to brighten your glow  
Instead of being one of the reasons it starts to go

I shouldn’t have been so stupid  
Said all the wrong things after being blinded by Cupid  
Because the most brainless moments of mine you can come by  
Are when I’m met with a cute guy.”

Chris strummed the last chord and exhaled.

“I’m really sorry for saying all that stuff. I shouldn’t have called you a hypocrite or a coward. And I shouldn’t have tried to be your therapist. I was out of line in a lot of ways. I’m really sorry.”

Felix, whose jaw had been dropped, closed his mouth and cleared his throat.

“When, uh...when was the last time you wrote a song before that?”

“Oh, uh...like a year and a half ago?”

Felix melted. “You broke a year and a half streak of not writing for me?”

Chris’s cheeks were-you guessed it!-tinged pink.

“Yeah. Sorry?”

“Wh-why are you sorry? That was amazing. And really sweet. Thank you. And your apology is very accepted.”

Relief flooded Chris’s face. “Really?”

“Yes. How can I say no to such a bop?”

Chris laughed. “So we’re good?”

Felix nodded, smiling, and made his way over to the couch to sit next to Chris. “Yeah. We’re good.”

Chris smiled. “Good.”

Felix’s eyes drifted down to Chris’s lips.

“You know what was the last thing Jisung told me?” Felix whispered.

“What?”

“Be brave,” Felix said and then leaned in and pressed his lips to Chris’s. Chris kissed back, placing his hands on Felix’s neck, while the younger circled his arms around Chris’s waist. Chris tasted like caramel and smelled like vanilla, and Felix’s chest felt warm. He smiled into the kiss and touched his forehead to Chris's. Chris laughed.

"You know, I'm not really a Christmas person."

"I'm sure I can change your mind about that."

"You already did."

**Author's Note:**

> stan txt also follow me on twitter @sparklysoobin


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